Die Legolas Die!
by Elros Tar-Minyatur
Summary: The title has nothing to do with anything, it's just a shallow ploy to lure you in. Rest assured that Legolas does die and that makes everything better. Yay for Legolas bashing!


Disclaimer- I don't own LOTR but it is my goal to do so someday.  
  
So anyway, Legolas was sitting in his room doing, well, whatever it is that he does. My guess is that he was whining because his hair wasn't the right shade of blonde. Anyway, he was sitting in his room doing God knows what, when all of a sudden he was struck by a need to state the blatantly obvious or something stupid and unrelated to the topic at hand.  
So he walked out of his room, daintily closing the door behind him. He pranced down the stairs like an idiot, tripping on the last step and falling down like a nancy.  
"Owwwwwwww!" he moaned, "I think I broke a nail!"  
At that moment, Pippin ran down the stairs at break-neck speed. He didn't notice Legolas curled up in a heap whining until the last moment. By then it was too late, he tripped over Legolas to fly straight into the wall. He slid down and fell in a heap, comatose. Legolas sat up,  
"Gee, Pippin, you look like you're in pain."  
Pippin opened one eye blearily, "No. Way. You can't be serious!" His voice dripped with so much sarcasm that it made the average batch of McDonald's fries seem like they had spent the last seven years sun-drying on the roof of an adobe house in southern Arizona.  
However, Legolas, being the inconsiderate prick, uh, yeah, I think that applies, anyway, he didn't recognize Pippin's sarcasm, "No, really, you look like you might be in pain."  
Pippin slapped his forehead, but the combination of the stupidity of Legolas and his weakened condition made him collapse on the floor.  
Legolas stood, pondering why Pippin seemed to be dead, when Merry skidded into the hallway behind the stairs. He saw Pippin and his face lit up.  
"Hey guys! I found him! It's time to take your Aderol Pip!" he screamed back and rode the banister all the way to the bottom, but unfortunately he didn't jump off in time and the marble ball at the bottom hit him in the crotch. He fell screaming off the banister to bash his head on the floor. He jumped up and ran around until he fell down and went motionless in shock.  
Legolas calmly walked over and bent over Merry. Merry suddenly had hope that he would get medical attention before he bled to death, but his hopes were quickly dashed when Legolas squealed in a girly tone,  
"Merry, that red pool of blood spilling from your forehead reminds me, do you think I should dye my hair red, pink, or purple."  
Merry stared at him in shock, "You %*@&*#! I'm &*^$ing bleeding to death and all you can think of is your hair color! GET MEDICAL ASSISTANCE FOR ME NOW!!"  
Legolas stared at him quizzically, "But you haven't answered the question."  
"Oh answer this," Merry yelled angrily as he gave Legolas the finger.  
"Well that's not very nice."  
"No, it's not; now go get a surgeon or something."  
"What? The only fish around here are trout, and besides, what good would a fish do you?" his idiotic face widened in a grin, "Oh wait, I get it! You want caviar for your last meal! I'll go get you a can!"  
As he started to walk away to do this, Merry jumped up and started jumping up and down furiously, "NO! NOT A STURGEON YOU MORON!! A SURGEON! A SURGEON!! A DOCTOR YOU STUPID TWAT!!!!" Suddenly his eyes crossed, "Uh oh," he said stupidly, "Losing consciousness." And with that he fell to the floor in a pool of his 21% Alcohol blood.  
Legolas blinked, "Oh. What's a twat?"  
At that moment, Frodo and Sam skidded into the hallway as Merry had done, except that Sam, like the drugged-up moron he is, tumbled into the next room with a loud crash. Even the insensitive Legolas winced. The phrase 'I'm okay!' drifted softly from the room. As if anyone cared. Frodo shook his head at Sam's stupidity, and then looked down the stairs.  
He probably would have laughed if he knew what had happened, but it looked as though Legolas had killed Merry and Pippin. He leapt ferociously. . . as ferocious as a sissy can get anyway. . . yeah. . . right. . . we'll roll with that, at Legolas.  
Legolas, as much of a wuss, weakling and general all-around moron as he was, still had the reflexes to move aside and allow Frodo to crash into the wall where Pippin was. Frodo wasn't knocked senseless however, due to the cushioning effect of Pippin's flabby body. He was however, knocked temporarily insane.  
Frodo leapt from the floor, spread his arms as though they wings, and sang lustily, "Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuh- BATMAN!" He then ran into a conveniently placed bathroom, and came out with a roll of two-ply toilet paper.  
Sam crawled out of the room where he had crashed and looked down at Frodo. "What is he doing?"  
Legolas looked up, "Are you two being gay again?"  
Sam blushed red, but he quickly composed himself, "No! Shut up! We're perfectly heterosexual!" and as an afterthought, "What did that have to do with anything?"  
Legolas shrugged, "I dunno. . . want to play a game?"  
Sam shrugged back, "Depends. What kind of game?"  
Then, out of nowhere, came the disembodied voice of Pippin, "SAM YOU KINKY $*%$#!!!"  
Sam looked around, "Whoa, where did that come from?"  
Just then Frodo, who had been swinging the toilet paper around like a lasso, screamed at the top of his lungs, "LOOK!!! THE BATSIGNAL!!!" He pointed to an obscene word scrawled on the wall, "COME ROBIN!!! WE MUST ANSWER THE CALL!!! DUH-NUH-NUH-NUH-NUHNUHNUHNUHNUHNUH, BATMAN!!"  
Then Pippin's disembodied voice said, "Has the author lost his mind? This is stupid."  
Merry's disembodied voice replied, "Nah, I see where he's going with this."  
"That's creepy."  
"Yes, it is, isn't it."  
  
Meanwhile, Sam was playing a game with Legolas. Sam held up a card and read aloud, "Is 'Chicken of the Sea' a.) Chicken with gills, b.) Canned fish, or c.) Tuna that's in the shape of a chicken?"  
  
Legolas stroked his chin thoughtfully for a little while, then said, "Well, I think chicken of the sea is a.) Chicken with gills, because if they didn't have gills, how could they go 'gobble, gobble?'. (I have to give www.liquidgeneration.com credit for this one)  
At this point, Sam probably would have shot himself if he had a gun. But, seeing as he didn't, he just slammed his head on the banister a few times. He probably would have bashed his head into pulp, but at that point, Frodo threw the toilet paper and looped it around the railing. Grabbing it, he screamed, "TO THE BATCAVE!!" and swung on the toilet paper.  
Even though it was two-ply, it still couldn't support his hobbit beer gut, and it broke in mid-air, sending Frodo sailing into the wall yet again. This time he slumped to the floor, having finally been beaten senseless.  
"NOOOO!!!! MR. FRODO!!!!" screamed Sam, "You can't do that without me!"  
Sam skipped down the stairs, ran into the bathroom, and came out with a roll of toilet paper. He repeated Frodo's stunt, down to the 'Duh-nuh- nuh-nuhnuhnuhnuh's, making the people who read this hate him. He too smacked into the wall, but lower, seeing as he was a fat-*ss.  
Legolas shrugged, pulled out his sword and stared googly-eyed into the blade, "I am a sexy b*tch!" He then proceeded to kiss his reflection, leaving blood-red lipstick smudges all over it.  
Aragorn chose that moment to walk in. He looked blankly at each of the hobbits on the floor, then at the seemingly blood-stained sword in Legolas' hand, shrugged, and walked out. Then he did a double take.  
"JESUS CHRIST GOD IN HEAVEN!!!" He screamed, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO LEGOLAS!!!????"  
  
Legolas looked at him blankly, "Duh, isn't it obvious? I dyed my hair a quarter shade of blond darker!"  
"Oh, really? I thought it looked different. . . " Aragorn then slapped his forehead, "What am I doing? You murdered all the Hobbits you louse!"  
Legolas shrugged, "I think I would remember something like that."  
Gimli popped out of the bathroom, a horrid stink coming from after him, "Did you just say that you killed all the Hobbits?"  
"Um, yah. It was so totally fab-u-lous!!"  
"You dumb fook!! NOW I'M THE SHORTEST ONE AGAIN!!! DIE!!!"  
Gandalf ran in, "I heard the hobbits are dead. Fool of a Greenleaf!"  
Boromir ran in as well, "Can I have the ring?"  
Gandalf smacked Boromir upside the head, "You idiot."  
Elrond and all the elves ran in, "Legolas, you suck."  
Faramir sauntered in, "Is this the World O' Cheese exhibit?"  
"NO!"  
"Oh, okay," Faramir shrugged and walked out of the room.  
"We're not related," Boromir shouted.  
Èomer poked his head in, "I heard we're ganging up on Legolas. Can I join?"  
Aragorn shrugged, "Yeah, why not."  
They all gathered in around Legolas, who had finally figured out what was going on.  
"Can I have one chance to save my life in a game of chance?"  
"Um, no."  
They rushed in and beat him to death with their various weapons, articles of furniture and household cleaning products, leaving the world a much better place.  
  
The End  
  
Well, flame me, I'm ready. I know it sucked, but I was bored and most likely high and that justifies everything. 


End file.
